Truth: She will Save your Life

I like to think that if tomorrow I suddenly stopped breathing and fell over dead, somehow the world would stop spinning. Just for a moment. The foundation of the earth would tremble, just slightly, just a little, because I was gone. That if I died, people would cry, people would grieve, people would miss me everyday. And when I’m gone, I would leave behind a emptiness in people’s lives that can only be filled my laughter, my voice, my smile.

I like to imagine that me, little ol’me, actually matters to the world. That my tiny soul weaving in and out of crowds of 6 billion people, is actually significant to the ebb & flow of the world’s tide.

The rock-hard, heart-hitting truth is I will not make the world stop spinning. The world will not notice or care when my soul no longer roams this earth. My once beating heart, will be replaced by the thousands of newly beating hearts born into the world each day.

We are all desperate for some sort of significance, starving for some sense of worth. We are so hungry for value and we look for it in all the wrong places. In the end, it does not come from the things we accomplished or achieved or gained. If we die with everything in the world but have not loved another, have not invested in other people, poured out our hearts in the things that matter, what have we done with our lives?

Without love we are nothing but an element eroding on the surface of the earth, dust in the wind, clouds bouncing in the sky.

My life may not be essential to the foundation of the earth but if I love & invest in one person, maybe there will be someone who’s world will shake when I depart. Even if it is just one individual. Even if just one heart has trouble beating because I’m no longer here. I want to make myself count to just one person. In the end that’s all that matters. We don’t need to matter to the world, we simply need to matter to a few special, close to our heart people. 

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Today I find myself sick to my stomach full of lies from a world that does not care.

My heart infested, my mind toxic. Believing that my worth comes from people. Believing that my single-relationship status is a reflection of who I am. Believing that God isn’t really worthy of my trust. Believing that somehow I ought to be in control of making things happen & responsible for the salvation of people’s souls.

The lies have got my heart all tangled up in a giant knot of insecurity, worthlessness, doubt and fear. & it is not conducive to your life to live with you heart stuck in a knot.

All our thoughts of: I’m ugly. I’m worthless. No one will ever love me. God can’t be trusted. I must do this on my own. I don’t need grace. We hear these things so often. They become so ingrained in us, that we mistake them for what they truly are. False. Evil. Toxic. LIES.

Adolf Hitler’s words ring true: If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.

Fed these lies over and over again, day in and day out, it is no surprise that we begin to fall for them. The crux of their façade tearing into us syllable by syllable, letter by letter. We believe them and before we can see the gleaning silver of their double edged sword and run fast in the other direction, they invade our veins. No longer a mere thought floating around our head but a cold, potent, fact. At worst, they become our mantra- the melody that plays it’s way through our head, guiding our decisions and ultimately eroding our soul.

It sounds dramatic perhaps but I warn you: Lies, they are dangerous- they infect & destroy all things good and beautiful. They distort your perception of the world, God and yourself. Leaving you broken & confused & feeling like nothing but damaged goods.

You try to combat these lies & the internal emptiness they create by filling your life with more. More people. More activities. More achievements. More opportunities. More exercise. More fun-filled Friday nights. More parties with people you’ve never met. But more is not enough. Your efforts just turn into one large pile stacked high with years of trying & striving & attempting & searching but never finding peace & satisfaction & joy. Where does it end?

As people have spoken into my life, I want to tell you, I need you to hear me:
It must end. You must be brave and say no more, not today, not ever. You cannot keep believing this mantra of lies that names you worthless & invaluable & undesirable.

But, dear, I can’t do it for you. It must be you. It must be you to tell those thoughts- all the ones you have believed so deeply for so long- tell them they are garbage & false & label them what they really are: Lies.

I know it isn’t easy. You’ve been programmed your whole life to believe them. Killing these thoughts, it feels like you are killing part of your self. It’s confusing. It’s painful. It’s scary. But without struggle, we will never triumph.

Start by identifying. Declare that what you once saw as truth & fact are actually damaging, dangerous and false.

Next, clothe yourself with rock-solid and beautiful truth. Go find Truth. Chase after her. Pursue her. Give up everything you have to get her. Run up the steps of her house, knock fiercely. Hug her tightly, apologize for neglecting her and tell her how much you have missed her. Invite her to come back and beg her to never leave your side again. Because Truth can save a life. It can bring healing to all the pain caused by the bitter things you believed about yourself and the world. It can redeem the hearts trained to know nothing else but falling short & never ever, being anything close to enough.

Because I dream of seeing a generation set free from lies. I long to see a people who walk in bold step with the Lord, covered by his truth & drowning in his grace. I promise you, Truth, she will save your life. Cherish her & seek after her always.

love, mikayla

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Trust Me

As I dig my fingers into the sand and stare into the Okanagan sky lit up with more stars than I’m ever used to seeing, I realize that I’m stuck. Not physically, because I’m sitting in beach sand, not sinking sand, but stuck in my faith. I’ve spent this year under the illusion that there exists a way for me to hold you at arms length and keep you somewhere safe where you won’t mess with my heart or my dreams.

Because the truth is, I don't trust you yet.

How can I give your all my desires, all my dreams, all my heart, and trust that you will truly do what’s best with them? How can I believe that, even when it hurts and it’s hard, you are doing something more wonderful that I can see? And how can I trust that if you send me somewhere, even if I really don’t want to go there, it is the best place I could possibly be?

My heart has been demanding answers to these hard questions for a long time. I need to know. I need to believe that I can really trust you.

On this night, as I stare at the lake and behold the stars, I am suddenly aware of how very small I am. It dawns on me that maybe, I don’t really even understand my own desires. That somehow, I don’t even understand my own heart. & I realize that the work you are doing on my heart, so often seems like nothing but a messy array of joy and then pain, of love and then rejection. I have such a hard time seeing it but I know your work is good, oh I know. Sometimes it seems like nothing but hurt, but you are mending me. Sometimes it seems like chaos, but you are molding me. Sometimes it seems like confusion but you are teaching me.

I understand a whole lot less than I think I do, about myself and what I want and who you are. I echo some words I once read, I do not understand one thing in this world. Not one. When I whisper those words, there are days they feel so achingly true. With so many lingering questions and prodding thoughts, I feel like I do not understand anything.

But He does.

He knitted me together. He made my heart, he made my mind, he orchestrated my body so that it functions. He understands things about me that I don’t even understand. He knows more about my heart than I do: the way it seems to long and ache, and cry out for meaning. I might not understand, but He does.

So perhaps I can trust Him to hold my heart. To let Him enclose his strong, knowing hands around everything I am, and trust that He will not crush me underneath his great strength. To try and do it all on my own would be foolish, masochistic even. After all, do I trust myself or the maker of the heavens, earth and every living breathing human being?

Trust me, He whispers.

And just maybe I can.

love, mikayla