Truth: She will Save your Life

I like to think that if tomorrow I suddenly stopped breathing and fell over dead, somehow the world would stop spinning. Just for a moment. The foundation of the earth would tremble, just slightly, just a little, because I was gone. That if I died, people would cry, people would grieve, people would miss me everyday. And when I’m gone, I would leave behind a emptiness in people’s lives that can only be filled my laughter, my voice, my smile.

I like to imagine that me, little ol’me, actually matters to the world. That my tiny soul weaving in and out of crowds of 6 billion people, is actually significant to the ebb & flow of the world’s tide.

The rock-hard, heart-hitting truth is I will not make the world stop spinning. The world will not notice or care when my soul no longer roams this earth. My once beating heart, will be replaced by the thousands of newly beating hearts born into the world each day.

We are all desperate for some sort of significance, starving for some sense of worth. We are so hungry for value and we look for it in all the wrong places. In the end, it does not come from the things we accomplished or achieved or gained. If we die with everything in the world but have not loved another, have not invested in other people, poured out our hearts in the things that matter, what have we done with our lives?

Without love we are nothing but an element eroding on the surface of the earth, dust in the wind, clouds bouncing in the sky.

My life may not be essential to the foundation of the earth but if I love & invest in one person, maybe there will be someone who’s world will shake when I depart. Even if it is just one individual. Even if just one heart has trouble beating because I’m no longer here. I want to make myself count to just one person. In the end that’s all that matters. We don’t need to matter to the world, we simply need to matter to a few special, close to our heart people. 

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Today I find myself sick to my stomach full of lies from a world that does not care.

My heart infested, my mind toxic. Believing that my worth comes from people. Believing that my single-relationship status is a reflection of who I am. Believing that God isn’t really worthy of my trust. Believing that somehow I ought to be in control of making things happen & responsible for the salvation of people’s souls.

The lies have got my heart all tangled up in a giant knot of insecurity, worthlessness, doubt and fear. & it is not conducive to your life to live with you heart stuck in a knot.

All our thoughts of: I’m ugly. I’m worthless. No one will ever love me. God can’t be trusted. I must do this on my own. I don’t need grace. We hear these things so often. They become so ingrained in us, that we mistake them for what they truly are. False. Evil. Toxic. LIES.

Adolf Hitler’s words ring true: If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.

Fed these lies over and over again, day in and day out, it is no surprise that we begin to fall for them. The crux of their façade tearing into us syllable by syllable, letter by letter. We believe them and before we can see the gleaning silver of their double edged sword and run fast in the other direction, they invade our veins. No longer a mere thought floating around our head but a cold, potent, fact. At worst, they become our mantra- the melody that plays it’s way through our head, guiding our decisions and ultimately eroding our soul.

It sounds dramatic perhaps but I warn you: Lies, they are dangerous- they infect & destroy all things good and beautiful. They distort your perception of the world, God and yourself. Leaving you broken & confused & feeling like nothing but damaged goods.

You try to combat these lies & the internal emptiness they create by filling your life with more. More people. More activities. More achievements. More opportunities. More exercise. More fun-filled Friday nights. More parties with people you’ve never met. But more is not enough. Your efforts just turn into one large pile stacked high with years of trying & striving & attempting & searching but never finding peace & satisfaction & joy. Where does it end?

As people have spoken into my life, I want to tell you, I need you to hear me:
It must end. You must be brave and say no more, not today, not ever. You cannot keep believing this mantra of lies that names you worthless & invaluable & undesirable.

But, dear, I can’t do it for you. It must be you. It must be you to tell those thoughts- all the ones you have believed so deeply for so long- tell them they are garbage & false & label them what they really are: Lies.

I know it isn’t easy. You’ve been programmed your whole life to believe them. Killing these thoughts, it feels like you are killing part of your self. It’s confusing. It’s painful. It’s scary. But without struggle, we will never triumph.

Start by identifying. Declare that what you once saw as truth & fact are actually damaging, dangerous and false.

Next, clothe yourself with rock-solid and beautiful truth. Go find Truth. Chase after her. Pursue her. Give up everything you have to get her. Run up the steps of her house, knock fiercely. Hug her tightly, apologize for neglecting her and tell her how much you have missed her. Invite her to come back and beg her to never leave your side again. Because Truth can save a life. It can bring healing to all the pain caused by the bitter things you believed about yourself and the world. It can redeem the hearts trained to know nothing else but falling short & never ever, being anything close to enough.

Because I dream of seeing a generation set free from lies. I long to see a people who walk in bold step with the Lord, covered by his truth & drowning in his grace. I promise you, Truth, she will save your life. Cherish her & seek after her always.

love, mikayla

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Let Your Heart Bleed

In a sea of new faces and new places, I fumble my way through everything unknown and unfamiliar. And I have become aware of this ache, one that sits just below my chest, pulsing longing & desire & questions. It’s the ache of missing. It’s heavy and unexpected and it has caused my blue eyes to paint too many salt-soaked emotions down my cheeks.

Josh Groban, a man with the voice of the angel, recently came out with a new album. Listening to the songs on repeat, this one lyric always swims around in my head and I ponder it quietly. He sings:

“I don’t take it lightly, the trouble that I’ve gone through to get you to know who I am.”

He’s singing about the ending of a relationship, the unravelling of two hearts that have learned the crevices of one another. Because it takes time for two souls to learn one another. It’s not simply a I just stubbed my toe and move on with it kind of deal, but a I fell down the stairs and I’m leaving stains behind of the skin & blood of my heart. Because you have invested, exposed the damaged & sacred places of yourself. When you say goodbye to someone, you leave behind drops of your bleeding heart embedded in theirs.

Do I really have to do this again? let more people in, crack open my bruised heart, take the time to show them the things I hold dear & the dreams I have & the things that make me laugh until tears crawl down my cheeks.

I have poured out so much of me into the relationships I left back home. and I thought I could just leave them behind and plunge head first into a sea of thousands of new faces?

Every relationship has the fundamental component of learning the other person: their humour, their wide-eyed dreams, the things stored in their heart, the stories that shape the core of who they are, and all the things that make their face curl into a smile & make their spirit bubble with joy.

And like all the best things, relationships unfold slowly. Not always steady, sometimes rocky, but every interaction & conversation teaches us something new.

It takes time to know people, it is a gradual process in which you discover, have experiences and begin to do life alongside them. You don’t learn someone overnight, and we will never reach a point in which you can place someone in a box and boldly say, I know exactly who you are. Because there are things we may never know and things we will never understand unless we literately morph into the soul & body of that person for several years.

I miss the people that know me. I miss people who understand my humour & understand my heart without requiring explanation of my past.

This tear-soaked face that looks back at me in the mirror, yes that fragile & wondering face, it is the face of a girl who has whispered the same question every day for the last three weeks: What am I doing here?

A whispered answer: Mikayla, you are here for a reason. I have you here to invest and pour out and bleed yourself into this new place. To get to know many more beautiful souls because you just might find someone special or someone who needs you or someone who can teach you something valuable.

In this life, we are going to collide with many faces in the places we go & things that we do. Even though it can be painful & it’s rarely easy to let your heart bleed, investing in the people around you is always worth it.

Knowing someone, and them knowing you. And not just knowing, but understanding- that is a beautiful gift to be sought after. It should be pursued, and those who find those people, who connect with other souls- oh they are blessed. Because we were created for relationships & not to do this life alone, but together and intertwined with other beating, bleeding hearts.

love, mikayla